My stories are all in my mother’s ears

{al-baqarah: 186}

Jadi itulah tajuknya. My stories are all in my mother’s ears atau dalam bahasa mudahnya, aku banyak berkongsi cerita dengan seorang wanita yang bergelar ibu. Dan ia berkait rapat tentang langkah pertama pengembaraan aku menerokai dunia psikologi pada semester pertama degree.

“Kalau ada apa-apa, bagitahulah mama. Jangan rahsiakan. Kot lah mama boleh doa,” pesan mak. Masih terngiang-ngiang kata-kata ibu di petak minda. Lembut suaranya mengetuk gegendang telinga sang anak yang cuba mengenal dunia dan Tuhannya.

And back to when I was in a boarding school. At that time, I was 13 and I hate my school. It’s one of the ugliest school with a good name painted on it, I swear. Well-known for integrity but shitty rules everywhere for the newcomers made by the senior. So, full stop here about my school. I am not going to tell what exactly happened like what the senior did, how the cultures were so unfair and unjust, and why it’s happened.

And sumpah, aku tak suka.

Sampai satu ketika selepas solat Maghrib di surau sekolah (di mana semua pelajar tengah baca zikir bersama-sama), tiba-tiba aku diserang sesak nafas yang sangat teruk. Aku masih ingat pada awalnya, nafas aku jadi sangat berat dan pendek.

“Kau okey?” tanya kawan di sebelah.

I shoke my head as a sign that I am not. Both of my hands began freezing. I could’nt moved any of my fingers and it’s getting cool. And the shortness of breath become severed. An ustazah came and tried to fix my hands but no avail while I was gasping for the air. They just can’t.

It happened three times within one week.

Pada kali yang ketiga, aku dikejarkan ke hospital; wad separa kritikal.

Ada seorang nurse tanya, “Kenapa ni, adik?”

Aku jawab, “I’m stress.”

Referral letter diberi dan seminggu kemudian, tup tup aku berdiri di depan pintu psychiatrist. A miracle, I would say (if).

So, that’s it. Hmm.

Apa yang telah berlaku di sekolah itu, at first aku just biarkan ia berlaku dengan menyimpan all degree of hatred inside. The hideous cultures behind every good names. Tak pernah aku jangka ia akan explode dengan sedemikian rupa.

I kept it alone. I don’t tell my parents because for them, they think it’s normal for their kids to feel homesick or sad for being the first-timer in a boarding school. I don’t blame my parents. I just don’t. Because I don’t tell.

I felt sorry for myself sometimes. My body showed a lot of stress symptoms till the first semester of degree, I noticed it. The physiology changed in accordance to the emotional pain we felt. From that moment, I started to have a simple reading on psychology and later make a further reading about it.

It’s obvious the knowledge of psychology students is lot different than mine. Sometimes I wish I can change my course from law to psychology but I have to list many considerations to constitute the decision.

Well, that’s life. We have our own stories. Our own past. The struggle is like a monster unleashed from a cage for a battle. Indescribable. Then, I realized, the monster demonstrated my past which it tried to drag myself into every seconds of painful memory so that I stay there.

God? Where’s god?

I forgot he was there. He was there all the times, waiting for me to raise my hands and put hope on him. I did. Of course. I didn’t set aside the fact that I existed in this world as a mere human being. I do have weakness in myself and this is the weakness that Allah tested me on.

This beautiful verse put the smile on my face.

When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way.

Terjemahan Melayu:

Dan apabila hamba-hambaKu bertanya kepadamu mengenai Aku maka (beritahu kepada mereka): sesungguhnya Aku (Allah) sentiasa hampir (kepada mereka); Aku perkenankan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila ia berdoa kepadaKu. Maka hendaklah mereka menyahut seruanku (dengan mematuhi perintahKu), dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepadaKu supaya mereka menjadi baik serta betul. [Al-Baqarah: 186]

Life is all about test. Have faith on it.